um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
