Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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