I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
