Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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