everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
