So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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