she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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