I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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