why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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