i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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