On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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