Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
