apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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