it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
