i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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