Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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