Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
