Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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