every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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