My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
