apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
