I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
