i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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