My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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