I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
