you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
