He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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