Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
