We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
