can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
