I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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