dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
