my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
