I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
