I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
