his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
