You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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