the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
