it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
