shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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