Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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