Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
