Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
