Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
