a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
