Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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