my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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