If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
