And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
