Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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